JIM: My wife tricked me into going to the mall tonight to make me buy new clothes for our upcoming vacation.

I got two new pairs of shorts. Size 34.

I am so sad. So very, very sad.

DAVE: When's your vacation? Where are you going?

How ironic. I just ordered a new pair of shorts online last night. Size 34.

Has your waistline gotten bigger?

JIM: We're taking the kids on a cruise.

It ain't getting any smaller.

DAVE: Where are you and the kids cruising to?

Mine seems to have found a nice resting spot at 34.

JIM: We're going on a Nickelodeon themed cruise that leaves from New York and goes to Nassau, Port Canaveral, and Norweigan's own island in the Bahamas. The kids think we're going to Canada though and aren't quite thrilled about that.

DAVE: Nice one, Dad.

JIM: Dad really has nothing to do with it.

DAVE: Who's paying for it?

JIM: That is a good point.