Thursday, November 9, 2006

Today in Dave's email inbox

Pittsburgh , PA --Pittsburgh Steelers football practice was delayed nearly two hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Bill Cowher immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic examiners determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

Funny stuff.

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

A Farewell to Arms

Dear Mr. Rick Santorum:

As last night's fairly resounding defeat at the hands of Bob Casey, Jr. demonstrates, the people of Pennsylvania have decided to go in a different direction. In fact, your buddy Donald Rumsfeld resigned today after yesterday's Election Day results in favor of Democrats all over the country. We are not digging the war in Iraq or the nearly three thousand American lives that have been lost while the Iraqi people were not busy "greeting us as liberators." We've also decided (at least for the time-being) that we don't like your very narrow notions about what constitutes a family. Of course, you and your wife are free to keep procreating as you two work together to have one of those good kinds of families. We are, however, going to have to ask you (albeit reluctantly) to return to your home in the Penn Hills community of Pittsburgh where your litter of children can attend the local public schools. In the meantime, enjoy your last couple of months in the Senate. Make sure that you exchange email addresses with your buddies George, Dick, and Condi. We know that you guys with continue to be BFFs even though you will no longer have any power and no one will ever have to listen to you speak again. Like you, they will have plenty of free time on their hands in about two years.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Seal of Approval

So, this morning I’m at the place where I get my haircut, and the couple of older gentlemen who always seem to be starting their days by sitting around the waiting room shooting the poop with the owner start to stir because a parking enforcement officer walks by the front window. One fellow sticks his head out the door to see whether he got a ticket. He’s parked in a ten-minute loading zone, so he’s good for now. The other guy walks swiftly after the officer to make sure that he puts some money in the meter before she reaches it.

Meanwhile, I notice a big, very shiny black Cadillac (the newer, boxier kind) making a three-point turn in the middle of the street. Now, not only is this maneuver illegal, but it’s a stupid thing to do on such a busy street. But this guy’s not done. He pulls his big, very shiny car up to the curb in front of an optometrist’s office, puts on his flashers, and strolls into the shop. Now, this is a very clearly marked area with No Parking signs and bright yellow lines painted up and down the curb in front of this shop. Apparently, this gentleman’s glasses or the like were not quite ready, because he was standing in front of the shop’s glass door looking out onto the street with his hands in his pockets.

In was then that I recognized him as Pittsburgh’s own version of Johnny Cochran. Jim Ecker. Prominent defense attorney to the guilty scumbags of Western Pennsylvania. I also notice that he has a funky license plate. It is a Pennsylvania plate, but it has some kind of seal on it. He continues to stand in the doorway of the shop while a parade of cars and buses swerves to go around his glorified hearse parked out front.

My business completed, I leave and head up the street to where my car is parked. I had put a quarter in the meter upon my arrival because I’ve learned my lesson that 25 cents is a small price to pay to park for a short time rather than risking a $16 ticket. I mean, really, that’s like throwing money away. So, I drive my car past Jim’s Caddy and sneak a peak at his official-looking license plate. It turns out that the seal is a Fraternal Order of Police seal, like the stickers that so many people put on their cars after they make donations to the FOP, hoping that the stickers will somehow prevent them from getting potential tickets. I’m here to tell you folks that, although this story has taken me a long time to get to the punch line, I can safely say that at least on this day, the seal worked.

I watched the parking officer walk down the street right by Jim’s car without hesitating for a second before she turned the corner and headed toward other parked cars. If that had been my car parked in front of that shop with my hazards on while I waited inside, that officer would have run, no, sprinted toward my poor little car to slap a nice big ticket on the windshield. Damn Jim Ecker and his special treatment. He defends child-molesters and murderers. I know, I know. I’m sorry. He defends alleged child-molesters and murderers.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Wall of Voodoo

Well, the go-ahead has been given by the President himself for a 700-mile wall between the US and Mexico. Now, it's important to note that this wall will not, in fact, be anything like the formerly demonized (Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.) and now defunct Berlin Wall. After all, it's not in Germany. It's going to be in the US, and things are different here than they are in Europe. Not just different. Better. They're better here. Just look at the Dow. 12,000. Much better.

Friday, October 20, 2006


I think it's a good thing that the population of the United States is growing, since George Bush is doing his best to decrease it by keeping our young men and women of the military in Iraq. It's time to support our troops by bringing them home. Our work is done over there. Maybe the mission worked, maybe it didn't. But now it's time to get out and stop the needless deaths of American soldiers.