Friday, November 28, 2008

My Internet is so slow, by today's standards, that it's embarrassing.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

So, my mother has been in Pittsburgh since last Monday, and I've been doing pretty well since then. I have been getting up in the morning, and I have been getting to appointments on time, and I have been doing things that need to be done, and I have generally been feeling pretty good. I'm still not quite right, but I'm much better than I was before she arrived. The problem, of course, is that I can't live the rest of my life with my mother around to provide the accountability and help that I need to help me deal with the depression. So, I have to take advantage of the time that she is here to develop some good habits and a good routine, so that I will not go back to staying in bed all day when she does leave. We still don't know exactly how long she will be staying. My father has said that he does not want to come to Pittsburgh for Christmas, and I suspect that part of that is probably because he doesn't want to be bothered with doing all of the legwork to find a suitable place to board Sidney and then get him there. The sad part is that if my sister and her husband come to Pittsburgh for Christmas, then not only will be father be the only family member not here, but he will also miss out on seeing his pregnant daughter who is carrying his first grandchild. Meanwhile, my mother and I have been getting along very well. She has not said anything negative about her being here, which has been a very pleasant surprise. Although I know that she misses Sidney, I think that she's secretly enjoying the little vacation from my curmudgeonly father. She definitely would prefer the Florida weather to the cold that we've been experiencing here recently, but she seems to be making the best of having to be here.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My mother has come back to Pittsburgh to help me get back on track. So far, I have gotten up two days in the morning, and I have gotten to the places where I was supposed to be. Before she left Florida, she was already eager to think about her return. But while I was at group today for the first time in weeks, she went to the grocery store and bought a turkey and other Thanksgiving items. So, she is planning on being here until at least then. And then tonight, she was talking about staying even longer and possibly having the immediate family in Pittsburgh rather than Bradenton for Christmas. My father would have to fly to Pittsburgh (and Sidney would have to be boarded). My father probably wouldn't be happy about that, since I'm quite certain that he's not particularly pleased with the present arrangement. But this was just my mother's second day in Pittsburgh. And she's already complaining about the weather.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Because I have not responded adequately to medication and psychotherapy (and I haven't attended group recently), my "treatment team" has recommended that I undergo ECT treatments. If you don't know what ECT is, it's electroconvulsive therapy. It's also known as electroshock. If you want to know more about it, Google it and you will find a wealth of information on the subject, both for and against. The bottom line is that ECT is recommended for people with severe depression who do not get better using conventional treatment methods. And it looks like I'm the perfect candidate. That's one of the reasons why I wanted my parents to come back to Pittsburgh. You can receive ECT as an inpatient (although I would much prefer not to be in the hospital), but if you receive it as an outpatient, then you have to have someone who can take you home after the treatment. And since I don't have a spouse or significant other, I am dependent on friends or family to perform this role. I would prefer family, as I think that it's the type of thing that family does. They take you home after you've had a procedure performed in a hospital, and they watch over you to make sure that you recover without any problems. My parents do not seem to agree with me on this point, but as I've already said, they are not to be used as the standard. ECT is really my last hope for treatment. There really isn't anything after that, so even though I'm a little concerned about the treatment and its potential side-effects (such as temporary memory loss), I have to have faith in those recommending it since they are the professionals.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

My doctor called my mother last night and talked to her about my parents coming back to Pittsburgh to help me because I have really been struggling since they left, as I've said in previous posts. When I spoke to my mother afterward, she said that she was going to fly here possibly Monday, but she was clearly angry with me. When I asked her why she was angry with me, she said that she was angry because she has to disrupt her life to come help me. Now, I'm sure that my mother had a lot of things going through her mind last night after she spoke to my doctor: plane reservations, leaving my father and Sidney alone in Florida, wondering how long she was going to have to be in Pittsburgh, etc. But she still expressed anger toward me. I know that my family is weird, and some would say that they never should have left me alone in my condition in the first place. But they did, and now the situation has worsened to the point where my mother has to come back. I have no idea what's going to happen once she gets here. I hope that she will stop being angry with me for being ill. It's not my fault.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I think the trend has ended.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I am extremely reluctant to call it a trend, but today is the third day that I have felt a little better than I had previously. It comes at an unexpected time, with the weather cold and the skies gray. And the person who represents virtually my only support system, FF, left on Saturday for ten days at Walt Disney World with her boyfriend and his family. But despite all of that, the last three days have not been awful. I even bought some new boxer shorts on Friday night. It was the first new thing that I had purchased since the depression became severe. I'm going to take the purchase of new underwear as a good sign, at least for now.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Today was the first day in weeks, maybe months, that I got up before noon. It was a beautiful autumn day in Pittsburgh, and fortunately, I was able to spend the afternoon with FF. I think the activity was beneficial for me, because aside from a little anxiety late in the afternoon, I had a good day. I don't even remember the last time I had a good day. I'm pretty sure that it was before my parents left for Florida.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Hopefully, the victorious end to this historic election is the beginning of good things for this country.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks since my last post, and unfortunately, I have nothing positive to report. I am still very ill and continuing to pursue treatment, even though there is no magic formula that can guarantee my recovery. I talk to my mother in Florida almost every day, and she gives my updates on how much Sidney is enjoying his southern home. It makes me terribly sad that my family is so far away from me while I go through this, but I don't think that there is anything that I can do about it. My mother thinks (or hopes) that there is a medication that will bring me out of this, but those treating me tell me that it takes much more than just some pill. It's not like the commercials for anti-depressants on television. For some, an anti-depressant may provide a much-needed lift, but for people whose condition is as severe as mine, medication is simply not enough.

Despite feeling so poorly, I am looking forward to voting on Tuesday. I hope that you are as well.