I turn 40 tomorrow. As if I wasn't already in a reflective mood, that just compounds the situation. I am most reflective of the last year, which has obviously not been a good one for me. It was about this time last year that I first started noticing some of the symptoms of depression, but I managed to keep it together for a couple more months before the dam broke and I was really suffering. It's really just a lost year of my life. The time passed, but I accomplished very little, and I spent most of the year battling this force that has taken over my life. Of course, with such a milestone birthday as 40 just hours away, many of the people in my life will take this opportunity to express sentiments to the effect that this is the year that I recover and resume a normal life. I hope so. I really do.

I'm dog sitting for a couple of friends for a few days this week. I'm staying with their dog Zoe, who is getting older. She is a great dog and has lived a very full and rewarding life, but her youth is behind her now. Her hearing and sight are not what they used to be, and she has some occasional problems controlling her balance in her rear end. She stumbled a bit today toward the end of our walk. It made me very sad. She limped along for a few steps before I decided to take an injury timeout. So, after a few moments for recovery, we were back on our way. Aging dogs can be very tortuous on the soul. I have a soft spot for older dogs. My very favorite dog in our family, and the dog prior to Sidney to live with me for several years, was Fritz, and he was a real pleasure of a dog during his golden years. He was content with the life of a senior citizen canine. He did have the occasional bout with some ailment, and he was not in necessarily good health. But we had some good years. They just join our lives in progress, hang out for a decade or more, and then they get older and slow down. Before they leave us. And our lives continue, even though those of us dog lovers are forever changed.

And being around Zoe makes me think about and miss Sidney even more than usual.

I don't like to buy too much toilet paper at once. Even though it is cheaper and it obviously lasts longer to buy 9-packs, or 12-packs, or even 24-packs of toilet paper (all of which are usually sold as double rolls), I prefer to buy the good old fashioned 4-pack of regular-sized rolls of my chosen brand (Angel Soft). And even though I almost never buy more than the diminutive 4-pack, I make sure that I never run out. Toilet paper is too important to let that happen.

I've been back from Florida for a week, and it hasn't been a particularly pleasant time. I haven't felt as badly as I know that I can, so I'm thankful for that. And I haven't had overwhelming exhaustion. But as the week went on, I started staying in bed later each day. I have no structure. I tried to stick to the same basic routine that I had in Florida, but it's just not the same here. The major components of what helps me to feel all right are missing here: human beings. I am lost without the consistent, predictable presence of other people. Just having my parents around helped me tremendously, and I was very thankful for their presence. I've probably never been more happy to have spent so much time with my parents. Maybe that's just the thing that I need to be happy: someone (or someones) around me on a regular basis. I used to be able to manage as a person who lived and spent a lot of time alone. I thought that I liked it, given my general dislike for most people. But now, that characteristic which I was once seemingly comfortable with threatens to destroy me. I don't know what to do. I need to do something. I need to find things to do with my time, volunteer. But ultimately, I am still alone. And being alone is not good for me.

I played Wii for the first time ever on Friday night. I don't know if I ever thought that I would play Wii, but my friends convinced me to try their new system. I had been smoking and drinking a bit, so it seemed like the perfect thing to do. My initial impression was that we spent far too much time making an avatar that looked like me (which it did, eerily enough). But then we played. We started with some bowling and followed that up with some miniature golf. I did surprisingly well, for my first time. At least that's what my friends said. And I ended up rather enjoying myself. Now, I'm not going to say that I pulled my calf muscle the other night when I was playing the bowling. But it has been a little sore since then.

My clothes smell like Florida. I love when my clothes smell like Florida. It's wonderful. And yet, tragic.

Traveling on Friday was all right. Saturday and Sunday were rough days. And today I'm feeling better. But I was definitely feeling happier when I was in Florida. I miss the sunshine and the warmer temperatures. But I think it was mostly the company. I miss the company of my parents and, of course, Sidney. It's lonely being back. It's the negative by-product of being a loner. It's a big part of my depression. And it's not easy to remedy.

I'm heading back home to Pittsburgh tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. In addition to the cold, snowy, wintry weather that awaits me there, I am going to miss Florida. Warm weather, my parents, their nice little house, Sidney, and warm weather. Even though the last couple of days and nights have been some of the coldest weather here in something like 50 years (provoking much complaining from the locals who have clearly gone soft), it's still been better than what I'll be experiencing back home. Apparently for the next six weeks. Fucking groundhog.

Video killed the radio star.

Wow.

So, today is the big day. I have to admit that I'm feeling a little nervous with anticipation. The game is still six hours away, and I have to find things to occupy my time until then. I'm accompanying my parents to a party being held at the home of friends of theirs. I went to their house to watch College Bowl games on New Year's Day. They're nice people, and they have a 72-inch HDTV, so it should be pretty great watching the Super Bowl there. And I'm going to be watching the game in Florida, where the weather is a far sight better than it is back home in Pittsburgh. Granted, it's a little chilly here today, with highs expected in the low 60s. But I'll take it.

After arriving here on the night of December 16th, the time has finally come for me to head home. I made plane reservations last night to fly back to Pittsburgh this Friday. After spending so much time away, in Florida, with my parents, I am concerned about how I am going to react to being back home, in my condo, in cold weather, alone. But I'm trying not to worry about that today. And I want to try and enjoy my remaining days here as much as possible.

Go Steelers!